The end of an era

This has been an interesting week in my life as a parent. It has probably been one of the most amazing and one of the most difficult all at once. On the one hand, Bodhi really seems to have blossomed this week - his vocabulary is spilling out at an alarming rate, he is engaged and engaging, and he has really seemed to develop overnight.

At the same time, this week Bodhi turned 18 months old and I stopped breastfeeding him. Let me put my feelings this way - as I typed the end of that last sentence, I instantly started crying. I haven't really thought too much about how this change in our lives has made me feel, I've kind of been avoiding really thinking too much about it, but I thought writing it down might help me out. Those of you that know Bodhi well, know that he isn't much of a lap sitter or a cuddler. He is an extremely affectionate little guy, but he just doesn't want to sit still. These last few months, when I've only been nursing him once or twice a day, I've cherished the moments that he has put his cars and books and crayons on hold to curl up in my lap, put his little hand up my shirt, and have a drink while caressing my belly. I miss it so much. I miss his warm belly against mine, I miss him lying there still and looking right into my eyes, and honestly, I miss him needing me.

Bodhi and my nursing relationship has been so joyful. I haven't disliked it for a minute, in fact, I've loved it. When Bodhi was born, I couldn't see him for the first 13 hours of his life. I worried about him being fed off an IV and not by me, I fretted about missing out on those first few crucial "mother-baby" bonding moments, and I was disappointed that I didn't get to hold him against my chest as soon as he was born, as I'd planned all along. When I finally met my little boy, I picked him up and brought him to me and he instantly started drinking. We didn't miss a beat and we haven't missed one since.

I know that I will get past this, that the guilt I feel when he's looking at me saying "milk milk milk" will pass, that he has probably already forgotten all about it. Right now, though, I have not forgotten all about it. Tomorrow Bodhi and I have the whole day together for the first time in a while and I'm excited to get to spend lots of one on one time with him. I'm hoping that something new will organically come to the surface that he and I can share - just the two of us. Just a mama and her boy.