Mommy on the loose

Last night I went out with friends for the first time since Bodhi was born. That's right, the first time in 9 months!

First, Bodhi woke up at 4:30am that morning and napped for about 15 minutes the entire day - which, of course, led to A LOT of crying throughout the whole day. I was supposed to meet Barb at 8 and at about 6:30 I called her to cancel. I had this overwhelming feeling of guilt leaving Bodhi at all, but especially when he was in such a bad state. Being the great friend that she is, Barb reminded me that Dan is more than capable of dealing with the crying and Bodhi will be COMPLETELY FINE without me. It didn't take much arm-twisting on her part, but I decided to go out nonetheless. I left the house hearing "Mamamamamamama" being yelled through sobs and it just about tore my heart out. But I forced myself to keep walking. Is this a good time to mention that Bodhi was fast asleep about 15 minutes after I left?! I made it about a block from our house when I got a sudden overwhelming feeling of complete giddiness. I was actually giggling out loud with the excitement of seeing my friends, taking a break, and, let's be honest, having a burger and a beer. I met Petra and Barb at the pub down the street and had such a great time. I made a point to not talk about Bodhi the entire time (even though he's really all I ever want to talk about!) and actually found that I had a lot more to talk about than diapers and poor sleep cycles!

At one point Petra turned to me a said "you know, you are exactly the same". I almost fell of my chair with joy. You spend so much time being a mom and focusing on nothing but being a mom, especially during this first year when you're on mat leave, that you almost begin to feel like your identity has been totally redefined without you knowing. I've been feeling a lot lately like my entire identity has become "mom". Which is a wonderful wonderful thing to be, but where am I in all of that? Just hearing her say that I was exactly the same as I was before Bodhi came along (just maybe an enhanced version!) made me feel like maybe I hadn't lost "Mary-Kate" in all of this after all. I'm still able to go out with my friends, laugh along with them, relate to them, and most importantly feel comfortable without a baby in my arms - just me.